i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
