Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
