There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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