If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
