smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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