Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
