Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
