I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
