I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
