Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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