im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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