just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
