So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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