i will never coherently bang her
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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