The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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