i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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