in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
