Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
