Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
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I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
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Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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