This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
