see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
