I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
