i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
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Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
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