Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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