Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
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