Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
