were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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