Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
