I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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