Someone shit on the floor
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
