We're facebook friends in real life
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
