he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
