wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
