So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
