She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
