I want you more than these girls want KFC
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
