the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!