Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You work out of a Hotel?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
