Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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