I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
