I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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