how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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