Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Every concussion has its silver lining
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
