We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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