Your face is a jimmy john
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
