Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
