my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
