I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
