Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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