Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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