yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I forgot wine drunk hurts
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
