my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
