Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
