guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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