I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
