you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
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