i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
